The Funeral Hat from Calimesa

By Art Gomez (No AI was used in the creation of this story.)

1 - ORIGINAL SIN

“Who controls his mast,

controls the future.

Disco balls & fireworks

& fur for the cougar.”

Standing outside the Calimesa General Store with coffee still

lingering in their breath, Selma & Pati share a cigarette while they

stare down the street. Their glances are both drawn by the clicking

of heels that turned the corner in a rather tight black dress and

are heading uphill. On the opposite side of Robert’s Rd, Holly

Gallus is heading up to the taxidermist’s shop. Everyone in town

knew she was having an affair with Roman, the taxidermist. Some

folks in town believe even her husband knew.

Selma - Third time this week?

Pati - Fourth. Tuesday was twice, remember?

Holly married Carlos because of his family business. She saw

straight through him and into his safety deposit box. Carlos was an

honest, hard working man. His father raised some of Yucaipa

Cockfighting Circuit’s most popular gamecocks. A gift and a business

Carlos had inherited. Gallus Family cocks were known throughout

Riverside and San Bernardino Counties back in the heyday of cock

fights. Carlos cared for others and his animals more than he did

himself. As long as his wife and his animals are happy, he was too.

Selma - Oh, you’re right! Two-for-one Tuesday. She sure

is shameless.

(Both sisters nod their heads in agreement. Pati

takes the last drags from the cigarette.)

Holly is as predictable as mud after rain. She flirts with everyone

in town and loves to talk dirty. She is the type that likes to feel

rich, but wouldn’t work a day in her life.

Pati - I hate it when she starts talking about those damn

birds.

Selma - You mean her “cocks” and the cock fighting? All

the prize cocks, black cocks and young cocks? How

could you possibly tire of her cock-life stories?

Pati - Ughh. She sure loves to use that word.

***

2 - DEATH OF A COCKSMAN

“She never stumbles

she’s got no place to fall.

She’s nobody’s child

The Law can’t touch her at all.”

Shortly after their marriage, Carlos’s health began to deteriorate

to the point he was bedridden and could no longer tend his business.

They tried hiring help but nobody could provide the honest and

loving care that Carlos could.

The night Carlos finally said his goodbyes he was in a good mood. He

asked that his birds be cared for even if they never fought again.

Everyone in town believed that when he took his last breath his

favorite gamecock simultaneously passed of a heart attack.

It was a combination of Holly’s hexing doe eyes and the dresses she

wore that kept her free of any criminal charges. At the request of

Carlos’ mother, the County had ordered an autopsy performed. The

results diagnosed Permethrin poisoning as the cause. Holly claimed

to not know what the insecticide was. When it was explained to her

she replied “Carlos must have accidentally eaten some of it while

treating the cocks.” Between staring into her eyes and down at her

thighs, all authorities believed her.

***

3 - THE CALIMESA FUNERAL HAT

“I asked the doctor if I could see you

It's bad for your health, he said.

I disobeyed his orders

I came to see you but I found him there instead.”

Pati & Selma sit in a small chapel and gossip while the Pastor

speaks. Carlos’ funeral services began a couple minutes ago. Holly

is fashionably late.

Pati - (Whispers) She is going to wear the dead rooster

On the hat, right? Holly is as predictable as mud

after rain.

Selma - (Whispers) Holly is as predictable as… (Selma

sighs).

Pati - (Whispers) We all saw her take Carlos’ favorite

animal to Roman.

Selma - (Whispers while catching a glance from the

pastor.) C'mon, sis.

Then everyone heard it. The clicking and clacking getting closer.

Even the Pastor had to take a moment as Holly made her entrance in

one of her trademark silhouette tight black dresses, high heels, and

a funeral hat adorned with Carlos’ gamecock perched stoically on

top.

The Calimesa Funeral Hat, the local newspaper called it. Everyone

talked about it for a while.

***

4 - THE FALL OF ROMAN

“Ain’t it a shame that

you can’t say fuck.

Fuck’s just a word

and it’s all fucked up.”

In the weeks after Carlos’ passing, the Gallus Family Cocks began to

die off. But Holly had a solution. She would take the dead to the

taxidermy shop and have Roman sell them after he’d stuffed them.

“Cut and dried,” she thought.

Carlos owned close to a hundred birds when he died, and they were

all heading into Roman’s shop at an over-encumbering pace. The work

days got longer and Roman’s health soon began to show it. Coughing

fits began and shortness of breath was common in the stuffy

storefront/workshop.

Holly found Roman face down on his workbench one day and even though

she called for help and it arrived quickly, they never could bring

him back to consciousness. Sheriffs at the time found it odd that

Holly had been widowed mysteriously twice, so they ordered an

autopsy. It turned out his lungs had collapsed due to exposure to an

avian fungus found in domestic birds. The death was ruled

accidental.

Roman was a timid, submissive, well hung, wet sock of a man. Cucked

in life and in death. People started asking the question

immediately. Will she wear the Calimesa Cock Hat again?

***

EPILOGUE - THE CEMETERY

“Woman has faith

Man needs a reason

Man marks the day

She knows the season.”

Years have passed and Selma is visiting Pati’s grave when she

notices Holly walking into the cemetery. Selma is chatting with

Pati’s headstone.

Selma - Holly is still wearing the fucking cock hat.

Sorry, bird hat. The Calimesa Funeral Hat. Even

to the cemetery now.

Do you remember that she had both Carlos and Roman

buried in the same plot? One-stop-shopping for a

busy woman like her.

Anyway, enough of that bitch. I got to go. See

you tomorrow, Sis. Love ya.

***